Chapter 10: Consistently Miserable

Months have gone by and I am fully into a cycle of abuse. I am exhausted, I don’t look well, and I am a shell of a person. I’m not allowed to do anything essentially without his permission. All while his career gets bolstered up on my back. I cook, I clean, I take care of our son, I think I fulfill all his desires and I don’t say a word unless I’m told.

One day, we were driving in the car and a soldier was running in his PT gear, I just so happened to look up and see the man in my peripheral. My husband looked up and asked me what the f**k I was looking at. I told him nothing. He asked again and said I just saw you look at that man with no shirt on running. I pleaded and said that I did not, he then asked me if I like what I saw, then slapped my head. He then told me to always keep my head down while we are driving because I have “wandering eyes”. I dared to ask what about when we go to the beach. Men dont wear shirts there and women are in bikinis. “Then what?!”, I asked. “Then I guess we aren’t going to the beach. I’m not comfortable bringing you there”, he replied. I started to cry uncontrollably which he told me to f**king stop because we were out in public. “Wipe your f**cking face! No one feels bad for an attention whore”, he said to me as we sat at a red light. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I attempted to open the car door and run. The car was locked so I hit the unlock button and tried to open the door and get out. He immediately grabbed my arm and pulled me back in. “What the f**k are you doing Rose?! You really that selfish?! So now I have to make sure the doors remain locked because your dumbass wants to run away too. We will deal with this at home”, he said.

When we got home, I put our son in his room and went to our bedroom because he told me to.

He got right up in my face, and grabbed my neck. “You ever do some selfish shit like that again, especially with my son in the car, that will be the last of you. I feel like you were trying to embarrass me. I could lose my career. Everything I worked so hard for while you sit here like a fat piece of shit, talking to your family and eating. You barely clean or do anything with our son”. In a state of flight or fight, I told him to get off my neck and that I have not been feeling well. He then stated you’re never feeling well. “Here goes Rose chasing all these made up symptoms in her f**king head. Are you that addicted to attention?! Pathetic!”. “No”, I replied, “I truly don’t feel well”. He then said to go take a pregnancy test because I have been acting like a bitch lately. So I went to the bathroom and took a test. He took the test out of my hands and wouldn’t show me the results. He then threw it on the counter and said that makes sense why you have been so bitchy, you are pregnant.

In a state of disbelief and shock, I went to check on my son who was asleep in his crib, gave him a kiss then went back to my bedroom and closed the door. I covered my head with my sheets and began to sob. I can’t handle the idea of another child. I hate this life. I never wanted this marriage to turn out this way and now I’m going to bring another child into this world with this man?! Am I capable of loving two kids when I’m so in love with my first born?

My husband, calmly came into the bedroom an hour later with a card he had made on the computer. It was an apology. He caressed my hair and said I don’t know how to be the man you need and I’m sorry for hurting you. I know you are mad at me and you have every right to be but I just want to make sure you are okay because you are pregnant. I talked with you dad and I told him how bitchy you were lately and that you are pregnant again. I would’ve called you while I was talking to them but I told them you were sleeping. “Why would you call my family without me?”, I asked. “You were sleeping and pregnant women need their rest, you’ll call them later. Plus you had a stressful day and need to calm down”, he replied. I then began to cry again and threw the card on the floor. “Why would you tell my family without me!!?!!?” I screamed. “Don’t be fucking rude! I made that for you. Just because you are pregnant, doesn’t give you the right to be a cunt. I’m done with you. I’m going to spend time with our son, I hear him moving. You can be miserable in here all by yourself. When you finally realize how to be decent then come talk to me”. I murmured to myself, “I didn’t want to talk to you to begin with or your crappy self-righteous card.”

So I’m pregnant again. I am scared, I am tired and now I have to manage the abuse so that I stay calm for my newest baby all while raising my firstborn.

So help me God.