Chapter 6: Expectations While Expecting

Well as you can slowly see, things move fast in this relationship. Our first week together, our home is completely set up and we are functioning as a couple. We found a church to go to, I am going to finish my Associate’s degree online, he's got a routine with work and we are feeling more and more in love. Well, I know I am. I've learned to cook, clean, and please my man on clockwork. I think I'm good at this whole wife thing! “How hard could this be”, I thought to myself. Every morning, I would send my husband a text telling him that he is my king, that I love him, and how important he is to me. You know the kind words and words of affirmation shit. I'm being a good girl here! Where is my praise?! It was seldom there but they talk about selfless service so maybe that is what this is.

At this point in our marriage, like the first few weeks lol, he was ready to have children. I wasn’t completely ready as I just left my parent’s house and wanted to travel and have fun as a couple, but he wanted to have a family right away. Well, I am his wife, I must give him what he wants right? Okay, let’s try for a baby.

For fucks sake!! I should’ve never said that. It was a lot. Sex three times a day until I was pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I was a very pleased woman but a tired one at that. It almost felt like it was becoming a lustful addiction. I needed him, I craved him. I wanted him to come home on his lunch break, or any chance he could get to come back to me.

Well, that went on for about three weeks, and one night we got fried chicken for dinner, and I was eating dirty rice and it tasted like shit. Actually, everything tasted like shit. Everything started to smell like garbage, and I couldn’t control it. I was scared for my life. Suddenly everything was gross. Every scent. Every candle, perfume, cologne. Yuck! “Maybe you should take a pregnancy test”, he said. I agreed so I did. I took the test and was hoping we could look at the results together, but he took it, turned his body, and then got excited. “Well!?” I asked. We are going to have a baby!!!! He was so excited. He kissed my cheek then kissed my stomach. I was so anxious, I could vomit. What the hell am I going to tell my parents? “This shit is happening fast,” I thought to myself. “I’m going to be a dad” he mentioned. Well girl, good job, you’re 19 and pregnant. Let’s see how this plays out when you tell your friends and family.

The following day, I wanted to let all my friends know on social media and through text. I started to go through my contact list and let my friends know. “Who are you texting?”, he asked. “My family and friends”, I said.

“You’re going to be a mom; you need to find mom friends and or people on your level. You don’t need to tell these people our business plus I don’t like your friends”.

“I don’t need you to like them, they are my friends!” I declared. “That doesn’t matter anymore. When we got married, we became one. It’s our friends. Delete them. As a matter of fact, I don’t like social media. Delete all your shit. Your Facebook, your personal email. Let’s get a joint email and start over. I just want to start over with you babe. We are out here alone. We have an opportunity to start new and I don’t want to bring old drama and baggage from home. I can see you know pushing a stroller with other moms and being on your grown woman status”.

I told him how I wasn’t comfortable with that idea. I want to stay friends with my friends. I’ll get rid of social media because I don’t care about it but I don’t want to delete my friends.

He then replied, fine don’t delete your friends. Shortly after, he changed our phone numbers. I started to cry. Everything was happening so fast.

“You’re not a little girl anymore! Grow the fuck up. I left my ex-wife for you who was a grown woman and now you’re crying over friendships. It took a lot for me to leave my ex. Do you know that?! She wanted to stay with me, but I chose you because I love you and you are over here crying about friends. I’m your husband! That’s bigger than these friendships.”

“I’ve known my friends my whole life, these are just some friends, these are like my sisters” I pleaded. “What do you want from me!?”, I cried.

“I want my wife to understand you’re not a fucking little girl anymore. You’re about to be a mom. Stop dressing like a whore, stop wearing heels and makeup, and slutty clothes. Showing your ass and your boobs. My wife isn’t going to look like that. Also, your perfumes smell horrible. I’ll buy you new shit.  You’re going to have my child; things are different now. I expect you to fit the mold of how I want my wife to be. You wanted to be my wife, which you are, now do your job”, he said.

“What do I do?” I thought to myself. My family doesn’t believe in divorce. I will bring so much shame to my family. I’m in too deep now. I’m pregnant. I have to see this through. God help me, please. Maybe he is right, maybe I do need to grow up and change my appearance. I don’t know how mothers dress, but I will look into that. I just want him to be happy with me. I can’t handle all this fighting; I feel like I’m going to throw up.