Chapter 8: Sinking

I’m feeling much better now that I am close to my third trimester. My baby is kicking and I am so in love. I am also petrified of being a new mom. My husband has been supportive in all the ways he can but I’m a stay-at-home wife, I should be cooking, cleaning, and getting everything done around the house. My grandmother is coming to stay with us for a little bit so I can get some help which is such a nice relief. Not only because I love my grandma, but also because someone else will be here so hopefully he won’t be such an asshole all the time.

[my mistake for thinking that]. He was so critical of everything I did and wanted me to essentially put on a show for my grandmother. We are such a happy loving couple, look at us and how lovey-dovey we are. I was all for it, but his side was pretend. I am a prop at this point. Outside our bedroom, we are so in love. Inside our bedroom, I am there for chores, sex, and to be his verbal punching bag. The physical abuse subsided but the emotional and mental abuse increased significantly. I have no contact with any of my friends. My number has constantly changed because I mistakenly gave an old female friend my number. Keep in mind, that he still communicates with all his old buddies and has his female co-workers' numbers on his phone.

When I asked him about it, he said “This is for work. Don’t be jealous.”

At this point, my main focus is my baby boy. My stomach is huge and my body is massive. I wanted to get protective wear so that I could maybe limit the sag and stretching but was told no and to let my body do its thing. I also wanted to have a baby shower and invite friends and family but was told we live too far away and don’t have the money. We had a baby registry that my parents and his mother bought items off of and that was it. I was devastated that I could not have a baby shower.

I did see online that they were having a massive baby shower for military spouses at this expo center. I quickly signed up and secured a ticket. My husband dropped me off the day of the mass baby shower. It was thoughtful and sweet but I couldn’t help feeling like a number being around all these pregnant women. At least, they looked happy and loved. I’m sure this is just an add-on baby event. This is all I get so I will make the best of it. Don’t compare Rose, It’s okay. I made small talk with some of the moms to be at the table. I was quiet and didn’t want to talk. I was simply there for the gifts at that point. The event was over and my husband was there to pick me up. I put all my gifts into the car and sat down. I told him I had a fun time and enjoyed talking with other moms. He then asked if any males were there, to which I stated no. (For crying out loud, leave me alone with that shit.) He then asked me what was wrong then I began to cry because I wasn’t having a baby shower and I felt hidden from the world. He stated that I should’ve known that life would be like this by marrying a service member. “Like what? Cut off from the world you knew?! There are plenty of women who I talked to whose husband complimented their lives, not change everything! I screamed. “I’m sure when they met their husband they didn’t dress like whores wanting attention. I have to start all over because I don’t want my wife looking like that,” he replied.

This is too much stress for my baby. I just can’t anymore, I’m sinking and there is no one to pull me out. God, it’s just me and you. Please don’t forget about me.