Chapter Eleven: Deployment

Things felt like they were looking up a bit. We went to church, attended our marriage counseling, and got along. We finally purchased a house here in Arizona. It was wonderful!! The house had tons of space and a few acres. A 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bathroom with a covered front porch, with these beautiful trees in the front yard. We left the suburbs and moved to the countryside. I felt at peace having so much space and being alone out in nature. Once we bought our home, we quickly began to add our touches to it and bought furniture to make it feel like home. One thing I’ve realized in our relationship is that we never had family photos on the wall. Never had pictures of us as a couple or our children, just decor. I always joked with my husband and said if someone broke into our home, they would never know who lived in our home because we had no pictures of us.

There were times in our relationship where things felt alright. I felt happy, he seemed content, and he would go to work and come home with “loving arms”. I felt like we had grown from a rough patch and we were finally getting over all the abuse. I could wear a little bit of makeup and perfume every once in a while, I would go out and bring the kids to appointments and run errands with my own car. I felt pretty free from where we started. Life didn’t seem so bad. We would constantly grill, spend time in our backyard, ride a four-wheeler that my husband purchased, go hiking, and finally went to the beach! I didn’t go in and I wore a shirt and pregnancy pants that went right above my ankle, while he wore shorts and no shirt but hey we went to the beach without incident.

So my pregnancy was going okay for the most part. I had low iron and Vitamin D so I had to take supplements and be monitored. At least this time around I did not have extreme vomiting like the last pregnancy.

I was nearing the end of my pregnancy, probably the last few months of it when my husband got the news he would be deploying to Afghanistan. I was devastated and he seemed pumped to leave and sad at the same time. I asked him if there was any way he could leave after our son was born which he stated he would ask which he did. He was told no. I told him how heartbreaking it would be if he wasn’t there for the birth of his son. He told me this is what he signed up for and his country comes first. “Over your family!?”, I asked. He replied, “This isn’t an easy decision for me, and that I have to go. End of decision”. I went to my room and cried. I couldn’t believe that within my last few months of pregnancy when things finally seemed to be going well, I was going to be here alone.

The following week, I had an OB appointment and during that appointment, my doctor told me if my iron levels didn’t increase, I would need iron transfusions. After the appointment, I called my husband and let him know what was said. I was concerned because I didn’t know what it meant and how it impacted our unborn son. When I called him and told him the news, he told me not to fuck this up for him. I asked what that meant. He told me that this was not the time to play sick right before he left to go overseas. He stated he needed to focus and get his mind ready. I asked what the hell that had to do with our ongoing pregnancy. “Just because you are leaving soon doesn’t mean you stop caring about this baby and my health!”, I stated. “That’s not what I’m saying but I can’t be as invested since I’m not going to be there. You need to get your family down here to help you”. I cried some more when I hung up the phone. Here we go again, where I’m feeling all alone. Not only that, this countryside that initially felt like peace, it’s starting to feel like isolation. I am alone out here and I don’t know anyone. I called my family and told them the situation and they said they would come down and help me. Plus my grandmother would come down a day or two before he left for Afghanistan.

The next couple of weeks and days were very difficult. I was worried about my husband going to Afghanistan but also heartbroken that he wouldn’t be there to support me, see his son, and be there for our 1-year-old. The day had finally come and we left our home early in the morning. On the car ride down to base, I sobbed the whole way, only to be told I needed to be tough because our son didn’t know why I was crying and that I needed to remain loyal and faithful. “I am loyal and faithful and will always be. Also, I’m not a robot, I have emotions and I’m heartbroken! I am set to be induced in two days! How do you expect me to feel??!”. “Everything is okay, I’m always with you and our son and I will be back home in no time”, he said. We finally got to base and we spent our last few moments before he left. We took a photo together as a family and he got his bags, kissed our son, my belly, and then me, and finally met up with his boys.

I saw a chaplain who handed out this camo bandana, rag-looking thing with a bible verse on it. I took it and began to cry my way to the car. “I have to be tough, remember”, I thought to myself as I carried my 1-year-old to our car. I gave my boy a hug and a kiss before I put him in the car and told him, “It’s just us my sweet baby boy. We are going to meet your brother soon. Just you and I.”